Time After Time

Dammit.  It happened again.  This time I have a black eye.  I'm over this.  I want a new life.  I look back on the past and wish I had chose differently back then.  I thought I had no other choice. Any choice but the one I made would've been better!!  I'm not hiding it anymore.  I've told and shown everyone.  I should've filed a police report.  But how humiliating to have the cops at my door taking pictures.  I want him gone.  He has a black heart.  Nothing can be saved.  Just the thought of him being gone, even though I know I will lose everything materially, makes me feel like I can breathe.  I actually had enough energy today to clean up my house.  It's not clean...baby steps.  But it's picked up. My house reflects my mind, my heart, my life...it is chaotic in here just like it is in there. 

He is still here.  He says he will not leave.  But he will.  He will get the hint.  And he will go back to the island and I will be free.  I will be released from this prison.  This time around I am not leaving my home.  This is MY home!!!  He will not force me out!  This is MY country!!!  I will stay, he will go.  I better run and hide now.  I don't want a confrontation with him!!!

All alone

I am so alone.  No one knows me.  I feel so lost in this life.  I have sought treatment for my deep sadness, but nothing helps.  No one helps.  I have no support.  I think I'm going to go back into the hospital.  I am considering taking a razor to my wrists.  I have done this a lot lately, but never broke the skin deep enough to bleed to death.  Just enough to cut.  When did I become a cutter? What the fuck is wrong with me?  I have a life...I have so much...and yet none of it means anything to me.  I am so numb to all of it.  I do know that my life is what keeps me from just ending it all.  Instead of letting myself die, I just sleep away the days.  I hide from the world.  I have people who want to see me, people who want to talk to me.  I just push them all away.  I have dreams that I am floating through darkness with other dead bodies floating along beside me.  I feel like I have been swallowed by darkness...sadness...I used to feel like I was screaming for help but anymore, I just don't fucking care.  Each day of my life is a struggle.  I have to push myself to just get up and do.  I can't even cry anymore...that is too much of a task.  I would have to push myself, force myself to cry.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I can cry when I'm getting beat up.  Good thing no one reads this shit.  I don't really want everyone I know to know that happens.  But it does.  It is the most painful thing in the world.  Being punched in your head over and over again until you black out and are crying and shaking from the fear and pain of it all.  No wonder I just want to die.  But I know I can be better.  I know it doesn't have to be this way.  I know that somewhere in the darkness, I can find a light.  But I'm so alone.  No one understands.  If I get the help I need, I will need to be in the hospital.  I will need someone else to take over my life for me while I'm gone.  My mom should be my support, but she is not.  She expects me to just hide my pain under a rug and exist as a numb lifeless being.  I don't want to be a zombie anymore.  My husband should be my support, and I guess he is. He knows I am sick.  He tells me to get help...but he expects it to be healed overnight.  I feel so much pressure on me to be so much more than I really truly AM!!!  I have no one I can talk to about this.  I don't really want a lot of people to know...and yet I'm writing about it in a blog...a blog no one reads, so I guess it's safe.  Oh well.  Fuck it all.