My house is quiet but it is not still. I hear the soft rumbling energy of life in the background. The washer in my basement working to scrub my clothes so I don't have to. The soft thumping of children's feet tip-toeing around on the floors above; so careful and timid, doing their best to be quiet and still. The occasional giggle from a sweet child's voice. The deep buzzing hum from the ice box behind me. The white noise of the fan softly blowing it's comforting breeze.
I recently endured a deeply challenging and life changing experience. The details in that event are an entirely different subject matter. Right now I am here. In this moment. I look over my shoulder to the room in which I have built a nest of comfort. This nest that I have built is a coping method... coping with the storm that came and flooded my life with darkness and heartache. I look and see the sweet and precious creation of mine, my little Lion King asleep in my bed. He is so little and soft among the white noise flowing through these walls. I cannot hear him now. I can only see him. As I watch his tiny chest rise and fall with each breath, I imagine the quiet purrs and sighs of a sleeping infant. The sounds I would hear from him if he was with me. I imagine the way it feels for him to be in my arms. Feeling his warmth and the life force from within him fill my chest where he lay. I remember the days he was in my womb. Back then we were one body. Two separate souls, and yet we shared my body. I remember when that life force didn't just touch my skin. To look upon my children, to study their features and admire every detail of their beauty is a wondrous feeling.
In these rare and sacred quiet times I feel myself drift into a meditative state. My mind becomes clear and aware of self. It is a time to think, to sort, to reflect and to learn. Writing through these moments is a release. It is very therapeutic to get lost in the words that pour from my mind to the page before me. When I am done I look back over everything that filled my mind and came out like a torrential downpour.
It is the order, my order, of meditation. I embrace the life around myself, then seek the peace within. I become one with myself; one with my thoughts. As I think I begin to sort. I go through all the thoughts until finding the one(s) that needs the most attention. The one(s) that stands out the most. This is when I begin to write. Sometimes I can write pages upon pages in one sitting. I then reflect. I study my written thoughts. And I always learn.
Somewhere in the close distance outside my mind I realize it is no longer quiet. The baby is beginning to stir and make noises. I can hear him now. My children are downstairs with me. The silence is invaded; my peaceful moment gone. I am brought back to the room. My meditation is over, for now.
26 July, 2010
25 July, 2010
Children
I am a mother. I am a mommy. I am a wife. I am a porn star (not REALLY...metaphorical thoughts here). I am a personal chef to 4, 5 if you include myself. I am a secretary/personal assistant. I am a life-coach. I am a therapist. I am a "self-taught" nurse. I am a maid. I am a servant. I am all these things and more. I am a female. I am a woman.
My oldest child is my five year old little girl, Kaelyn Teresa. She was born April 27, 2005. She is the sun. Hot and fiery, burning brightly from within. She has a deep soul. I can see in her the developing qualities of a woman, those same traits that I possess. I often find myself worrying for her. She reminds me so much of myself. It takes a lot of strength and determination to have a happy successful life. She definitely has these qualities about her. I hope she uses her willful heart to choose wisely. She is very feisty!! And complex... Yes, she is indeed my offspring!
My second child is my big baby boy, Ezra Faleolo. He is three years old. He will be four on December 22, 2010. He is a very sweet and loving little boy. My little man in training!! He is very big and strong just like his daddy. I imagine he will be at least 6' tall. At least! He's like a bear, husky and powerful. He eats like a bear too! He is very curious about life and the world around him. Such a boy he is!
My third child is my sweet angel baby, Leonidas Falemalu. He was born just after midnight on Monday, May 3 of this year. I was more impatient to deliver him than any baby of mine. It's almost as if our bodies were not compatible with eachother. From the very beginning of my pregnancy I was very sick. I could not eat very well at all and when I did I would just lose it. I was very exhausted and unhealthy from start to finish. I willed my body into labor with him. It was all I focused on from about 34 weeks until I had him at 37 weeks. Early labor was slow running, about an entire week, and I had a fast active labor, meaning from the time my water broke to being complete and ready to push, was about 5 hours. I released him from my body in one big push. I did not have an epidural. He was my largest baby. It was pretty much the most AMAZING experience of my life. Very empowering.
Our bodies are a work and a wonder. No words can describe the feeling of being in labor. It is like being possessed and yet still in the most control of your body and mind you have ever been and will ever be. A welcomed possession? It's like your body possesses you. The urges you have to moan, to breathe, to move your body with the infant as it makes its final descent into this life are like second nature. It is not just the miracle of life as a witness may perceive. It is being a participant in the miracle of creation. It is giving life to energy. It is becoming a mother. It is the passage of life as a girl into life as a woman. To complete the process of giving life to Leonidas, as he lay upon my bare stomach, looking around at the bright cold world for the first time in his mortal existance, I was handed the tool to separate our bodies into two, and I cut his cord.
We are all unique and special in our own way. We are all born into this life an individual. This can make parenting a little challenging. It takes a quiet mind and softened heart to learn who your children are and respect that. I try to teach my children according to what I see in their personalities. This is easier said than done sometimes...ok most times! Everyday is a new experience among the routine. Being a mother, a mommy, a giver of life, a coach on how to be...it is the ultimate calling!
Every day is worth it.
My oldest child is my five year old little girl, Kaelyn Teresa. She was born April 27, 2005. She is the sun. Hot and fiery, burning brightly from within. She has a deep soul. I can see in her the developing qualities of a woman, those same traits that I possess. I often find myself worrying for her. She reminds me so much of myself. It takes a lot of strength and determination to have a happy successful life. She definitely has these qualities about her. I hope she uses her willful heart to choose wisely. She is very feisty!! And complex... Yes, she is indeed my offspring!
My second child is my big baby boy, Ezra Faleolo. He is three years old. He will be four on December 22, 2010. He is a very sweet and loving little boy. My little man in training!! He is very big and strong just like his daddy. I imagine he will be at least 6' tall. At least! He's like a bear, husky and powerful. He eats like a bear too! He is very curious about life and the world around him. Such a boy he is!
My third child is my sweet angel baby, Leonidas Falemalu. He was born just after midnight on Monday, May 3 of this year. I was more impatient to deliver him than any baby of mine. It's almost as if our bodies were not compatible with eachother. From the very beginning of my pregnancy I was very sick. I could not eat very well at all and when I did I would just lose it. I was very exhausted and unhealthy from start to finish. I willed my body into labor with him. It was all I focused on from about 34 weeks until I had him at 37 weeks. Early labor was slow running, about an entire week, and I had a fast active labor, meaning from the time my water broke to being complete and ready to push, was about 5 hours. I released him from my body in one big push. I did not have an epidural. He was my largest baby. It was pretty much the most AMAZING experience of my life. Very empowering.
Our bodies are a work and a wonder. No words can describe the feeling of being in labor. It is like being possessed and yet still in the most control of your body and mind you have ever been and will ever be. A welcomed possession? It's like your body possesses you. The urges you have to moan, to breathe, to move your body with the infant as it makes its final descent into this life are like second nature. It is not just the miracle of life as a witness may perceive. It is being a participant in the miracle of creation. It is giving life to energy. It is becoming a mother. It is the passage of life as a girl into life as a woman. To complete the process of giving life to Leonidas, as he lay upon my bare stomach, looking around at the bright cold world for the first time in his mortal existance, I was handed the tool to separate our bodies into two, and I cut his cord.
We are all unique and special in our own way. We are all born into this life an individual. This can make parenting a little challenging. It takes a quiet mind and softened heart to learn who your children are and respect that. I try to teach my children according to what I see in their personalities. This is easier said than done sometimes...ok most times! Everyday is a new experience among the routine. Being a mother, a mommy, a giver of life, a coach on how to be...it is the ultimate calling!
Every day is worth it.
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